1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view,
they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax
leaving
her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
world
flagpole sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight
hours
short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut
off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door,
breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily
listening to his walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now! Your
day's not so bad, is it?
*
3-14-00
Funny
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS
WIFE INTERRUPTS,"HONEY,COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW" HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY."FIX THE LIGHT?
NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A
G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
" WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO
WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE
FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK." "I'M NOT A DANG CARPENTER AND I
DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE
I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE
HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE
SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE
NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. 'HONEY, HOW'D ALL
THIS GET FIXED?" SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN
ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO
ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM
OR BAKE A CAKE." HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE
BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD?"
*
3-11-00
THIS IS A CUTE JOKE
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her
name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When
erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.
After
the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted
with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one
traditional and one nudist.
After two days of the traditional
beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.
As
Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a
cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the
bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.
Jack tried not
to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his
penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your
girlfriend must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the
bartender said and laughed. "Mine say WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'
-----------------
*
Nice joke for ya
Enjoy this to your hearts content.
LOL
Once upon a time there was
a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.She loved them ,
but unfortunately they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on her.Then one day she met a guy and fell in love . When it
became apparent that they would marry, she thought to herself, "He is such
a sweet and reserved man,he would never go for this kind of carrying
on" so, she made a supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later her car broke
down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called
her husband and told him that she would be late because she would walk
home . On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of baked beans
was more then she could handle . Since she still had several miles to walk
she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home. So , she stopped at the diner and before she knew it , she
had consumed three large orders of baked beans . All thw way home, she
putt-putted . Upon arriving she felt reasonably sure she could control her
gas. Her husband seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly , "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated
herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until
he returned. He then went to answer the phone
.
The baked beans that she had consumed
were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity,
shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud,
but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a
pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned vigorously the air around
her. She then shifted to the other cheek and ripped three
more.
Keeping her ears tuned to
the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes . When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she
fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the
picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long. He asked her if she peeked, which she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and was she surprised! There were
twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy
Birthday!!!
--------------------
*
Cold
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,
* blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother,
"My hands are * freezing cold. "The mother replied,
"Put your hands between your legs. * The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands * warmed up. The next day,
the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and * he said,
"My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them *
between my legs, they'll warm up." * The next day,
the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the * Daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, *
"Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed
* up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again
driving with the daughter * and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
* The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother,
and * she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly * concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, * "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"
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