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He's The Head of FosterFriends.com

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3-15-00
 
IF YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY!
 
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view,
they were both eaten by a killer whale.
 
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving
her mentally retarded.
 
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours
short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend
had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
 
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking
his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening
to his walkman.
 
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally.......
 
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?




*

 

3-14-00

Funny


  A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS,"HONEY,COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S
BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW" HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY."FIX
THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A 
G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
 
" WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
 
"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX  THE STEPS TO
THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE  ABOUT TO BREAK." "I'M NOT A DANG CARPENTER
AND I DON'T   WANT TO   FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD I  DON'T THINK  SO.
 
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. 
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME AND  HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE
 
HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE,
HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES  TO GET A  BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS   FIXED. 'HONEY,  HOW'D  ALL THIS GET FIXED?" SHE
SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN
 
ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE  OFFERED TO DO ALL
THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR
BAKE A CAKE." HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE  HIM?" SHE
REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE
BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"

*

3-11-00

THIS IS A CUTE JOKE


A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name
 tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her.
When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it
read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their
honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem
of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional
and one nudist.
 
After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested
visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if
he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to
the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked,
for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender
also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.  "Hey," Jack said and
smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be
named Wendy."
 
"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say
WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'
 
-----------------

*

 

Nice joke for ya




Enjoy this to your hearts content. LOL
 
   Once upon a time there was a woman who had a maddening passion  for baked
beans.She loved them , but unfortunately they always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction on her.Then one day she met a guy and fell in
love . When it became apparent that they would marry, she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and reserved man,he would never  go for this kind of
carrying on" so, she made a supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
 
     Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since
she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would
be late because she would walk home . On her way she passed a small diner and
the odour of baked beans was more then she could handle . Since she still had
several miles to walk she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by
the time she reached home. So , she stopped at the diner and before she knew
it , she had consumed three large orders of baked beans . All thw way home,
she putt-putted . Upon arriving she felt reasonably sure she could control
her gas. Her husband seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly , "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated
herself  and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife the
phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone .
 
     The baked beans that she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the
room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg  and let it
go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned
vigorously the air around her. She then shifted to the other cheek and ripped
three more.
 
      Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went
on like this for another ten minutes . When the phone farewells signaled the
end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin,
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to
herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked her if she peeked, which she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and was she
surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a Happy Birthday!!!
 
 --------------------

*

 

Cold

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,
* blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother,
"My hands are * freezing cold. "The mother replied,
"Put your hands between your legs. * The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands * warmed up. The next day,
the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and * he said,
"My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them *
between my legs, they'll warm up." * The next day,
the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the * Daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, *
"Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed
* up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again
driving with the daughter * and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
* The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother,
and * she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly * concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, * "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"

~ Courtesy of Bill R, at www.FosterFriends.com


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