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This one Submitted by Dawn
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These next jokes submitted by Crystal from Ralph & Crystal * But I can take credit for posting them _
____________________________________________________ All humor is to be taken as humor, and in no way reflects the personal or ethical beliefs of the list owner. The humor sent out is occasionally rude, crude, and/or just plain tasteless, and may be freely distributed throughout the Internet. The humor is not meant to harm, scare, offend, or piss you off.
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**When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough.
busy.
my
boss does something without being told, he is taking initiative.
boss, he is cooperating.
he never forgets.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. Shortly after they had fallen asleep, a big, fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."
----------------------------------------------------------- 1. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America.....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
------------------------------------------------------------- Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't.......... > > "Talk about a huge breast!" > "Whew, that's one terrific spread!" > "It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?" > "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist." > "Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest." > "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." > "How long do I beat it before it's ready?" > "Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it." > "Don't play with your meat." > "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in." > "How long will it take after you stick it in?" > "You'll know when it's ready when it pops up." > "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" > "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" > "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" > "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" > "It's Cool Whip time!" > "You still have a little bit on your chin." > "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > I AM THANKFUL FOR... > > > > > > ...the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been > > > surrounded by friends and family > > > ...the taxes I pay because it means I am employed. > > > ...the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have > > > enough to eat. > > > ...a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and > gutters > > > that need fixing because it means I have a home. > > > ...my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the > > > sunshine. > > > ...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it > means > > > I am capable of walking. > > > ...all the complaining about our government because it means we > have > > > freedom of speech. > > > ...my large heating bill because it means I am warm. > > > ...the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means > > > that I can hear. > > > ...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it > > > means I am alive. > > > ...the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones > > > are nearby. > > > ...weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it > > > means I have been productive. > > > > > > > > > Happy Thanksgiving...
---------------------------------------------------------------- Now for a few jokes sent in by Russell Too bad I can't claim credit on some of these
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Subject: Oh the Humanity.......(probably some of Rod's ex-patients)
Cessna
Poland.
and
expect
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-------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 10/12/99 9:13 AM > > Actual Things Said in Court > > > > These are things people actually said in court, word for word. > > > > 1. Q: What is your date of birth? > > A: July fifteenth. > > Q: What year? > > A: Every year. > > > > 2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > > > 3. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. > > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. > > Q: How long has he lived with you? > > A: Forty-five years. > > > > 4. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke > > that morning? > > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" > > Q: And why did that upset you? > > A: My name is Susan. > > > > 5. Q: And where was the location of the accident? > > A: Approximately milepost 499. > > Q: And where is milepost 499? > > A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. > > > > 6. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? > > A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. > > > > 7. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? > > A: After the accident? > > Q: Before the accident. > > A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. > > > > 8. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or > > the occult? > > A: We both do. > > Q: Voodoo? > > A: We do. > > Q: You do? > > A: Yes, voodoo. > > > > 9. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue > > lights flashing? > > A: Yes. > > Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? > > A: Yes, sir. > > Q: What did she say? > > A: What disco am I at? > > > > 10. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, > > he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > > > > 11. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? > > > > 12. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? > > > > 13. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? > > > > 14. Q: Did he kill you? > > > > 15. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? > > > > 16. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? > > > > 17. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? > > > > 18. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > > A: Yes. > > Q: And what were you doing at that time? > > > > 19. Q: She had three children, right? > > A: Yes. > > Q: How many were boys? > > A: None. > > Q: Were there any girls? > > > > 20. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? > > A: Yes. > > Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? > > > > 21. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't > > you? > > A: I went to Europe, Sir. > > Q: And you took your new wife? > > > > > > 22. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? > > A: By death. > > Q: And by whose death was it terminated? > > > > > > 23. Q: Can you describe the individual? > > A: He was about medium height and had a beard. > > Q: Was this a male, or a female? > > > > 24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition > > notice which I sent to your attorney? > > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > > > > > > 25. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? > > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. > > > > 26. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? > > A: Oral. > > > > 27. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. > > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? > > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. > > > > > > 28. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > > > >
29. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a
you
began the
-------------------------------------------------------- And Tom sent me this
-------------------------------------------------------- Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane
ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that
there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out,
but you
didn't."
Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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