Brother Russell's Jokes

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Lou Who welcomes you to Russell's kewl joke page! 


Here you will enjoy the same great jokes, brother Russell has sent me 3-1-00

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of two places in which you'll be locked up forever." First, Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a tiny room in which there is a small table with a PC on it. To Bill's delight, the PC is running the latest release of Win2000. Satan explains to him that the PC is missing three keys, namely (YES!!) Control, Alt and Delete. Satan asked Bill to select his room. Bill thought for a while, then went straight to the first room.


The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."


The old preacher was dying at home in his bed. He realized his time was short, so he sent for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. For the longest time, no one said a word. Finally, the doctor spoke up and said, "Preacher, you're not long for this old world, you'd better tell us why you asked us to come." The old preacher mustered up all his strength and in a strained voice said, "Well, Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I wanted to die."


Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He exclaims, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."


A father was in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As usual, they sat in the very front row so that the children could see and hear the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The five-year-old girl was fascinated, watching intently as the minister uttered the words and poured water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"


The Wisdom of Will Rogers : Don't squat with your spurs on. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. >>


Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids. Atheism: A non-prophet organization. Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain. Camel: A horse designed by a committee. Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead. Classic: A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read. COBOL: Completely Obsolete Boring Old Language. Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol. Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock. Expert: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing. Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Program: A device used to convert data into error messages. Recursion: see Recursion. Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.


An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast. Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."


Hope you enjoyed the great jokes, brother Russell has sent me 3-1-00
We will be looking forward to more soon!



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