This is going to be a new page where I post Brenda's jokes.
have a few more I'll post later!
Also visit my new website
upcoming opening 9-9-99
P.S. I don't know where she gets these...
Lets hope God has a sense of Humor
Honorable Dr. Lou who's Joke rating = * * * * * stars
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, August 16, 1999 4:09 PM
Subject: FW: Tick tock WHrrrrr
> Subject: Tick tock WHrrrrr
> > >
> > >> Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where
she meets St. Peter. She
> > >> that there are
clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there
>> many clocks.
> > >> St. Peter tells her that each clock
represents a person on earth
> > >> that every time
a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off
>> St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because
> > >> belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her
> > >> The next clock belonged to
Abraham Lincoln and since he only told
> > lies
> >> his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
>> Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"
> > >> St. Peter
says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's
> >> it as a ceiling fan."
> > >
Sent: Tuesday, July
06, 1999 9:52 AM
Subject: FW: 10 SNAPPY THINGS TO SAY TO
Rictor's Semi-Regular Joke of the Day [mailto:email@example.com]
Saturday, July 03, 1999 6:09 PM
To: List Member
Subject: 10 SNAPPY THINGS
TO SAY TO "SPECIAL" CO-WORKERS
Rictor's Semi-Regular Joke of the Day
SNAPPY THINGS TO SAY TO "SPECIAL" CO-WORKERS
1. Obviously you're unable
to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted and retarded
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of
5. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and
6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
7. I'm not being
rude. You're just insignificant.
8. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter
if you'll go away.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love
making with his wife was
becoming routine and boring.
Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing
doctor' for an
hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied,
"but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting
room for 55 minutes!"
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case
very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks
DURING A RECENT ECUMENICAL GATHERING, A SECRETARY
RUSHED IN SHOUTING, "THE
BUILDING IS ON FIRE!"
gathered in the corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "where is the
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was
The CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.
The JEWS posted
symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the
vengeance of God!"
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a
committee to look
into the matter and submit a written report as to
whether the fire was
predestined to ignite.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and
put the fire out.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out
for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob
and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and
Jack will each throw in
$20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of
them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
A man has five items in his bathroom-a
toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man would not
be able to identify most of these
A woman makes a list of things she needs and
then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to
When preparing for work, a
woman will put on a Monde wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will
carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work,
she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are
under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when
women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
A woman will
dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the
phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man
will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants
that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he
is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect
beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
of old episodes of "Love, American
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances
and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A
man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the
A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The
batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a
Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more
times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish
man was now exited and ready
to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called
"walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The
extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye brassard,
Everyone around him started laughing. So the
embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the
embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four
The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,
One dark night outside a small
town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant. Before long it exploded
into flames and an alarm went out
to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an
hour, the chemical company president
approached the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the
vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to
the engine company that brings
them out safely!"
As soon as the chief
heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen
their attack on the blaze.
After two more hours of attacking the fire,
president of the company offered
$100,000 to the engine company that could
bring out the company's secret
files. From the distance a long siren was
heard and another fire truck came
into sight. It was a local volunteer
fire company composed entirely of men
To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the
plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In
distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of
rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company
the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical
president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and
over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each
the old men individually, the president asked the group what they
to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right
eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang
Man to God:
"God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
"So she would love you."
Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
complain that all good men are
married, while all married women complain
their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is
no such thing as
a good man.
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be
the male gender?
What's the difference between
government bonds and men?
What's the difference
between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
How are men like
They're always in hot water, they lack
taste, and they need
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
an anniversary and a toilet
have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little
SIGNS YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
that they do not have
2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it
by noon the next day, it is just too slow.
Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"
4. A Blind date means chatting online
with someone you
haven't met before.
5. Keeping up with sports
means having your favorite
sports teams as Bookmarks
6. Most of
your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores
are now prized as
your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet
people of the opposite
7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long some,
that you have received a grant from the National Institute for
do germ research.
8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade
ways to improve their efficiency
9. You get all excited when
it's Saturday and you can wear
sweats to work.
10. You find you
really need Power Point to explain
what kind of work you do.
You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
restaurant in town within the same week.
12. You apologize to your
friends who didn't get holiday cards
from you. "Sorry, I only sent
"email cards" this year, you
just didn't make the cut"
think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
14. You get most of your
jokes via email instead of in person.
school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by
saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and
try it out. He goes home, and
as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know
the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home
and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father
hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when
sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying,
know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail,
opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your real father a big
Joke rating = * * *
Thursday, July 01, 1999 10:24 AM
Subject: Fwd:[Fwd: Light humor]
Author: <John_Roth@fpsi.fujitsu.com (John
Roth)> at internet
Date: 6/25/99 11:08 AM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn, and if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to
get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and have sex
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, "I have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my
name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he
said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I
did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT,
Joke rating = *
Thursday, July 01, 1999 10:15 AM
T. Subject: JOKE
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
The FDA is considering 13 additional warnings on beer and
> >> > bottles:
> >> >
>> > 13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think
> >> > whispering when you are not.
> >> >
> >> > 12. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol is a major factor in
> >> > like an
> >> >
> >> > 11.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
> the same boring story over and over again until your friends
> >> > smash your head in.
> >> >
> >> > 10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay
> >> > like
> >> > 9. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may lead you to believe
> >> > ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
> >> >
> >> > 8.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
>> > the hell happened to your pants.
> >> > 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may
cause you to roll
> >> > over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose
> >> > and or
name you can't remember).
> >> >
>> > 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
> >> > inexplicable rug burns on the
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
> >> > that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than
> >> > big guy named
> >> >
> >> > 4. WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
>> > invisible.
> >> >
> 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to
> >> > are laughing with you.
> >> >
> >> > 2. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause an influx in
> >> > the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)
> of time may seem to literally disappear.
> >> > 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may
Joke rating = * * *
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Brenda
Sent: Wednesday, June 30, 1999 8:08 AM
> To: Russ
> Sensitivity: Confidential
> St. Peter stood at the
Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw
> Jesus walking by and
caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the
> gate while I go do an
> "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
> "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their
> their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve
> "Sounds easy enough. OK."
> So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his
> The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled
old man. Jesus
> summoned him to the examination table and sat across from
> peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a
> The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
> Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did
> have any family?" he asked.
> "Yes, I had a son, but
I lost him."
> Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your
son? Can you tell me
> about him?"
> "Well, he had holes in
his hands and feet."
> Jesus leaned forward even more and
> The old man leaned forward and whispered,
Joke rating = * * *
Sent: Monday, June 28, 1999 3:55 PM
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please
and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is
it a puzzle of?" The blonde says "From the
picture on the box, it's a
tiger." The blonde's friend figures that
he's pretty good at puzzles,
so he heads over to her place. She lets
him in the door and shows him
to where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the
pieces for a moment, then studies the
box. He then turns to her and
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to
show you how
to assemble these to look like the picture of that
I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and
put all these
Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Joke rating = * * * *
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Brenda T
Sent: Thursday, June 24, 1999 4:08 PM
> To: Russ T
> Bumper stickers:
> * Horn broken.
Watch for finger.
> * Keep honking...I'm reloading.
> * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
> * All generalizations are false.
> * Cover me. I'm
> * I brake for no apparent reason.
> * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
> * I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
> * Forget about
World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
> * We have
enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
> * He who laughs
last thinks slowest.
> * I love cats...they taste just like
> * Rehab is for quitters.
> * I get
enough exercise just pushing my luck.
> * Sometimes I wake up
grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
> * Jack Kevorkian for White
> * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food
chain to be a vegetarian.
> * Sorry, I don't date outside my
> * No radio - Already stolen.
> * OK,
who stopped payment on my reality check?
> * Few women admit
their age; Fewer men act it.
> * It's lonely at the top, but you
> * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
> * Give me ambiguity or give me something
> * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better
> * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing
> * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count &
those who can't.
> * Caution: I drive like you do.
Joke rating = * * * *
June 9 1999
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil
going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it
So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had
better send down a
male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a
and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned
went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad
5% was good.
God said this was not good. He would send a letter
to the 5% that were
good and encourage them, a little something to help them
Do you know what that letter said?
Oh, you didn't
get one either?!?! You better straighten up then!!!
Joke rating = * * * *
Wednesday, June 02, 1999 10:01 AM
Subject: Fwd: Forwarded
>---------- Forwarded message ----------
>Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly
>Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the
>in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a
>Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
> 1. Name
two days of the week that begin with "T."
> 2. How many seconds are in a
> 3. What is God's first name?
>Forrest thought for
a few minutes and answered .....
> 1. The two days of the week that begin
with "T" are Today and
> 2. "There are 12 seconds in a
> 3. "God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.
>" Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even
>not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But
how did you
>get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that
>name was either Andy or Howard?"
"Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc.
>"OK, I give,"
said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name
>Forrest said, "Well, from the song --- Andy walks with
me, Andy talks
>with me, Andy tells me I am his own .., and the prayer
--- Our Father,
>art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ..."
>Saint Peter let him in without another word.
Joke rating = * * * * *
> Subject: GOLF JOKE
May 26 1999
> Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses
steps up to the tee and
> hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway
and lands in the water
> trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball
onto the green.
> Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the
> fairway and lands in the water trap.
> Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
> man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
> fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into
> water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish
> falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
> its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
> Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
> around, we won't bring you next time."