Index Page
 Brenda's Joke Page

 

This is going to be a new page where I post Brenda's jokes.

I have a few more I'll post later!

Also visit my new website

http://www.louwho.com upcoming opening 9-9-99

 

P.S. I don't know where she gets these...

Lets hope God has a sense of Humor

 

Honorable Dr. Lou who's Joke rating = * * * * * stars being best!

.........................................................................

 
----- Original Message -----
To: Lou
Sent: Monday, August 16, 1999 4:09 PM
Subject: FW: Tick tock WHrrrrr

>
> Subject:        Tick tock  WHrrrrr
>     
> > >
> > >> Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She
> notices
> > >> that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there
> so
> > >> many clocks.
> > >> St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth
> and
> > >> that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off
> one-second.
> > >> St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it
> > >> belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.
>     
> > >> The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told
> two
> > lies
> > >> his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
> > >> Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"
> > >> St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's
> using
> > >> it as a ceiling fan."
> > >
>     
>

...................................................................



-----Original Message-----
From: Brenda
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 1999 9:52 AM
Subject: FW: 10 SNAPPY THINGS TO SAY TO "SPECIAL" CO-WORKERS




-----Original Message-----
From: Rictor's Semi-Regular Joke of the Day [mailto:rictor@innocent.com]

Sent: Saturday, July 03, 1999 6:09 PM
To: List Member
Subject: 10 SNAPPY THINGS TO SAY TO "SPECIAL" CO-WORKERS


Rictor's Semi-Regular Joke of the Day - http://www.ournamehere.com/

*****

10 SNAPPY THINGS TO SAY TO "SPECIAL" CO-WORKERS

1. Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted and retarded world-view.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

5. I like you.  You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

6. What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?

7. I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.

8. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.


*****

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was
becoming routine and boring.
 
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing
doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
 
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
 
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

*****

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
 
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

*****

DURING A RECENT ECUMENICAL GATHERING, A SECRETARY RUSHED IN SHOUTING, "THE
BUILDING IS ON FIRE!"
 
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "where is the water?"
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.
The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a
committee to look into the matter and submit a written report as to
whether the fire was predestined to ignite.
 
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

*****

Men VS. Women


NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.  But if Mike, Phil, Rob
and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:

And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.  The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not
be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Monde wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes.  Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.  Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the Laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by reruns
of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

*****

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.  The
first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a
double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish
man was now exited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by.  The umpire called
"walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.  The Scotchman,
extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye brassard,
rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely
embarrassed, sat back down.  A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's
embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk
with pride!"

*****

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out
to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an
hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings
them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen
their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire,
president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could
bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was
heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer
fire company composed entirely of men over 65.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical
plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the
distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their
rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen
before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company
president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked
over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of
the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended
to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the
eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on
that
truck!"

*****

GUYS


Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Single women complain that all good men are
married, while all married women complain about
their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is
no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be
traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

What's the difference between government bonds and men?   
Bonds mature.   

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?  
E.T.  phoned home.   

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack
taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?   
They can spell it.   

What do an anniversary and a toilet
have in common? 
Men always miss them.   

Why are men like popcorn?   
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

*****

SIGNS YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s


1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
   that they do not have email addresses.

2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered
   by noon the next day, it is just too slow.

3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"

4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you
   haven't met before.

5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite
   sports teams as Bookmarks
 
6. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores
   are now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet
   people of the opposite sex.

7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long some,
   that you have received a grant from the National Institute for
   Health to do germ research.

8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on
   ways to improve their efficiency

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear
   sweats to work.

10. You find you really need Power Point to explain
    what kind of work you do.

11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
    expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

12. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards
    from you. "Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you
    just didn't make the cut"

13.  You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

14.  You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

*****

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and
as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work,
and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly
hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he
sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your real father a big hug."

*****

................................................................................................


Joke rating = * * *
-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Thursday, July 01, 1999 10:24 AM
To:
Subject: Light humor
______________________________ Forward Header
__________________________________
Subject: Fwd:[Fwd: Light humor]
Author:  <John_Roth@fpsi.fujitsu.com (John Roth)> at internet
Date:    6/25/99 11:08 AM
    
    
    
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
    
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
    
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid
    
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
    
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
    
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
    
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
    
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski
    
weekend.
    
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North."
    
"Yes, I do."
    
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
    
and have sex with her?"
    
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to
admit that I did."
    
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
    
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I
did.  Why do you ask?"
    
"No need to apologize, Bob.  She just died and left me everything!
    
    
    
   AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT,
  DIDN'T YOU?????

......................................................................................

Joke rating = *
-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Thursday, July 01, 1999 10:15 AM
To:
Subject: FW: JOKE


T. Subject:        JOKE
    
FDA WARNINGS
        > >> >
        > >> >
        > >> > The FDA is considering 13 additional warnings on beer and
alcohol
        > >> > bottles:
        > >> >
        > >> > 13. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are
        > >> > whispering when you are not.
        > >> >
        > >> > 12. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing
        > >> >  like an axxxole.
        > >> >
        > >> > 11. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
        > >> >  the same boring story over and over again until your friends
want
to > >> >  smash your head in.
        > >> >
        > >> > 10. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay
things
        > >> >  like  thish".
        > >> >
        > >> >  9.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe

        > >> >  ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the
        > >> >  morning.
        > >> >
        > >> > 8.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what
        > >> > the hell happened to your pants.
        > >> >
        > >> > 7.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
        > >> > over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species
        > >> > and or name you can't remember).
        > >> >
        > >> > 6.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
        > >> > inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
        > >> >
        > >> >
        > >> > 5.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
        > >> > that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really
        > >> > big guy named Bubba.
        > >> >
        > >> > 4.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are
        > >> > invisible.
        > >> >
        > >> > 3.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people
        > >> > are laughing with you.
        > >> >
        > >> > 2.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in
        > >> > the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)
gaps
        > >> > of time may seem to literally disappear.
        > >> >
        > >> > 1. WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE
pregnancy.

    

...............................................................

 


Joke rating = * * *
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Brenda
> Sent: Wednesday, June 30, 1999 8:08 AM
> To: Russ
> Subject:
> Sensitivity: Confidential
>
> St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw
> Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the
> gate while I go do an errand?"
>
> "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
>
> "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background,
> their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into
> Heaven."
>
> "Sounds easy enough. OK."
>
> So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
>
> The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus
> summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus
> peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
>
> The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
>
> Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you
> have any family?" he asked.
>
> "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
>
> Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me
> about him?"
>
> "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
>
> Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
>
> The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

............................................................................

Joke rating = * * *
-----Original Message-----

Sent: Monday, June 28, 1999 3:55 PM

Subject: Blonde joke


     One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over
     and help me.   I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
     out how to start it."
    
     Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"  The blonde says "From the
     picture on the box, it's a tiger."  The blonde's friend figures that
     he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to  her place.  She lets
     him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all
     over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the
     box.  He then turns to her and says:
    
     "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how
     to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."  "Second,
     I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these
     Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

.....................


Joke rating = * * * *
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Brenda T
> Sent: Thursday, June 24, 1999 4:08 PM
> To: Russ T
> Subject: jokes
>
>
> Bumper stickers:
>
> * Horn broken. Watch for finger.
>
> * Keep honking...I'm reloading.
>
> * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
>
> * All generalizations are false.
>
> * Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.
>
> * I brake for no apparent reason.
>
> * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
>
> * I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
>
> * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
>
> * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
>
> * He who laughs last thinks slowest.
>
> * I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
>
> * Rehab is for quitters.
>
> * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
>
> * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
>
> * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
>
> * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
>
> * Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
>
> * No radio - Already stolen.
>
> * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
>
> * Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.
>
> * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
>
> * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
>
> * Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
>
> * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
>
> * Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
>
> * There are 3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't.
>
> * Caution:  I drive like you do.
.........................................................................................................

 

Joke rating = * * * *

June 9 1999

THE LETTER

 One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was
  going on.  He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.

 So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.  When
 she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5%
 is good.

 Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a
 male angel.  To get both points of view.  So God called a male angel
 and sent him to earth for a time.  When the male angel returned he
 went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and
 5% was good.

 God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were
 good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

 Do you know what that letter said?

 Oh, you didn't get one either?!?!  You better straighten up then!!!



....................................................................


Joke rating = * * * *
-----Original Message-----

Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 1999 10:01 AM
To:
Subject: Fwd: Forwarded mail....



>---------- Forwarded message ----------
>
>Forrest Gump died and went to heaven.  When he got to the Pearly Gate,
>Saint  Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances
>in education on earth.  In order to gain admittance, a prospective
>Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
> 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
> 2. How many seconds are in a year? .
> 3. What is God's first name?
>
>Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....
> 1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and
>Tomorrow."
> 2. "There are 12 seconds in a year."
> 3. "God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.
>
>" Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's
>not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.  But how did you
>get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first
>name was either Andy or Howard?"
>Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc.
>
>"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name
>stuff?"
>Forrest said, "Well, from the song --- Andy walks with me, Andy talks
>with me, Andy tells me I am his own .., and the prayer --- Our Father,
>who
>art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ..."
>
>Saint Peter let him in without another word.
>

......................................................................................................

Joke rating = * * * * *

> Subject: GOLF JOKE
>
May 26 1999
>
*****
>
> Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and
> hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water
> trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

> Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
> fairway and lands in the water trap.

> Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old
> man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
> fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the
> water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is
> falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
> grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
> lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
> eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of
> its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

> Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling
> around, we won't bring you next time."
>
> *****

...............................................................................

 


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