3-12-00

HALLOWEEN PARTY

      A black man and his wife were going to a
      Halloween party in a couple of days.
      The husband tells his wife to go to the
      store and get costumes for them to wear.

      When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where
      there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.
      The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
      Have you ever heard of a black Superman?
      Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

      The next day the wife was not too happy and
      returns the costume and gets a replacement.
      The husband comes home from work once more and
      There laid out on the bed was a Batman costume.
      He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
      Have you ever heard of a black Batman?
      Take this back and get me something I can wear
      to the costume party."

      By this time the wife is irate, so the next
      morning she goes shopping.
      When the husband comes home again from work there laid
      out on the bed are three items.
      One is a set of three white buttons, another is a 

      white belt, and
      the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.
      The husband yells at the wife,

      "What the hell are these for?"

      The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and
      take the three white buttons and put them on the front of
      you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one,
      you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie,
      and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your
      A$$ and go as a fudgesickle."

3-12-00

The Corporate Mind

 ------------------
 
 Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very
interesting,
 educational, historical, completely true, and
hysterical all at the
 same time:   
 
 The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two
rails) is 4
 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
was that gauge
 used?  
 
 Because that's the way they built them in England, and
the US
 railroads were built by English expatriates.  
 
 Why did the English build them like that? Because the
first rail lines
 were built by the same people who built the pre-
railroad tramways, and
 that's the gauge they used.  
 
 Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people
who built the
 tramways used the same jigs and tools that  they used
for building
 wagons which used that wheel spacing.  
 
 Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel
spacing?
 Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon
wheels would
 break on some of the old, long distance roads in
England, because
 that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.  
 
 So who built those old rutted roads? The first long
distance roads in
 Europe (and England) were built by Imperial  Rome for
their legions.
 The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in
the roads?  Roman
 war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to
 match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since
the chariots
 were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all
alike in the matter
 of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad
gauge  of 4
 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification for an
 Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and
bureaucracies live
 forever.  So the next time you are handed a
specification and wonder
 what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly
right, because
 the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide
enough to
 accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we
have the answer
 to the original question.   
 
 Now the twist to the story..............  
 
 There's an interesting extension to the story about
railroad gauges
 and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle
sitting on its launch
 pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the
sides of the
 main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or
SRBs. The SRBs are
 made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers
who designed
 the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit
fatter, but the SRBs
 had to be  shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site. The
 railroad line from the factory had to run through a
tunnel in the
 mountains. The SRBs had to fit through  that  tunnel.
The tunnel is
 slightly wider than the railroad track, and the
railroad track is
 about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major
design feature of
 what is arguably the world's most advanced
transportation system was
 determined over two thousand years ago by the width of
a Horse's Ass!
 

==================================================
AWOL                  1-13-00
==================================================

Drill Instructor

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior 

drill instructor realized
that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a 

search party was dispatched
immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered 

hiding in some bushes nearby.
He was sent back to the base and promptly 

escorted to the drill instructor's
office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, 

"Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "On my first day here, 

you issued me a comb and then
proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, 

you issued me a toothbrush
and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded 

to pull out my teeth.
Finally, on the third day, you issued me a 

jock strap ... and I wasn't about
to wait around to find out what would follow 

that, Sir."

==================================================

Santa Humor

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. 

Please read the following notice carefully:
From Santa:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, 

I will no longer be able to serve the Southern 

United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the 

overwhelming current population of the earth, 

my contract was renegotiated by North American 

Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only 

certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, 

Wisconsin and Michigan.
(It was a cooperative effort with the UAW, of course) 

As part of the new and better contract I also get 

longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep 

that in mind.
Despite this contract dispute, I'm certain that 

your children will be in good hands with your 

local replacement who happens to be my third 

cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is 

from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering 

toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there 

are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1- There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your 

presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on 

his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: 

"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers 

that children leave an RC cola and a moon pie 

[or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't 

smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, 

so please have an empty spit can handy.
3- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, 

flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the 

mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer 

one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks 

Bubba's fireplace.
4- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, 

on Donner and Blitzen ..."when Bubba Claus arrives. 

Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, 

on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, 

on Elliott and Petty." (No Gordon because Bubba 

doesn't really care for sissies.)
5- "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" 

And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves 

respond, "I hur'd dat!"
6- As required by Southern highway laws, 

Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety 

triangle on the back with the words "Back off." 

The last I heard it also had other decorations 

on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or 

Chevy logo with lights that race through the 

letters and the other is a caricature of me 

(Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7- The usual Christmas movie classics such as 

"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" 

will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. 

Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" 

and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds 

as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing.
8- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, 

I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the 

other way when he bends over to put presents 

under the tree.
9- And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been 

sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" 

and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." 

This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played 

on all the AM radio stations in the South. 

Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's 

"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma 

Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus, NAFEL
(North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Why Yelling At a Man Doesn't Work!

Why Yelling At a Man Doesn't Work!
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!