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    I just love a nice pick up truck!


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Red Neck Technology 
for Country Folk
 

 LOG ON:
 Making a wood stove hot

 LOG OFF:
 Too much wood on fire

 MONITOR:
 Keep'n an eye on the wood stove

 DOWN LOAD:
 Gitten the farwood off'n the truck

 MEGA HERTZ:
 When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood

 FLOPPY DISC:
 Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

 RAM:
 That thar thang what splits the farwood

 HARD DRIVE:
 Gitten home in the winter time

 WINDOWS:
 Whut to shut when its cold outside

 SCREEN:
 Whut to shut when its black fly season

 BYTE:
 Whut dem dang flys do

 CHIP:
 Munchies fer the TV

 MICRO CHIP:
 Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

 MODEM:
 Whatcha do to the hay fields

 DOT MATRIX:
 Ole Dan Matrix's wife

 LAP TOP:
 Whar the kitty sleeps

 KEYBOARD:
 Whar you hang the dang truck keys

 SOFTWARE:
 Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

 MOUSE:
 What eats the grain in the barn

 MOUSE PAD:
 That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

 MAINFRAME:
 Holds up the barn roof

 PORT:
 Fancy flatlander wine

 ENTER:
 Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

 CLICK:
 Whut you hear when you cock yer gun

 DOUBLE CLICK:
 When you cock the double barrel
REBOOT:
Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to
the outhouse
 
 
3-27-00
Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm
not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and
pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley
said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons
on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out
what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The
baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We
had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has
happened.
Love, Mom
P.S.  I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed.
 




3-26-00
Childbirth



   A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby
delivered.   Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the
father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine,
so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were ecstatic. 
 
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
 

    


3-17-00
Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked


11. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
10. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
9. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
8. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
7. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to
your    
    exaggerated resume.
4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
2. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
And the No. 1 reason for going to work naked:
1. No one steals your chair.
 

    
Sent: Monday, February 21, 2000 12:52 AM
Subject: Funny Bumper Stickers

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone 
up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices 
are talking to me and not you!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
 

    
Subject: A Naked Guy?

30 HARSH THINGS TO SAY TO A NAKED GUY....

1.   I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2.  Ahhhh, it's cute.
3.  Why don't we just cuddle?
4.  You know they have surgery to fix that.
5.  Make it dance.
6.  Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7.  Wow, and your feet are so big.
8.  It's OK, we'll work around it.
9.  Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
 

    
Subject: CHINA MAN

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.  So, he hired a famous
Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that
might develop.  A few days later, he received this report:
 
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
 
No Fee.
 
Sent: Sunday, February 27, 2000 2:32 PM
Subject: Phrases to use at Work

USEFUL PHRASES TO USE AT WORK:

I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your 
unique point of view.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had 
about you.
I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people 
learn to worship me.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean 
you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet 
it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is 
purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just 
don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over 
your mouth.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of 
Karma to burn off.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never?  Is never good for you?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave 
a message.
Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but 
at the cellular level I'm really
quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about 
my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust 
of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time 
to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh 
nervously and change the subject.
 

    

3-14-00

"Good Comebacks"


Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this 
bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
 

    

3-12-00

HALLOWEEN PARTY


      A black man and his wife were going to a
      Halloween party in a couple of days.
      The husband tells his wife to go to the
      store and get costumes for them to wear.

      When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where
      there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.
      The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
      Have you ever heard of a black Superman?
      Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

      The next day the wife was not too happy and
      returns the costume and gets a replacement.
      The husband comes home from work once more and
      There laid out on the bed was a Batman costume.
      He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
      Have you ever heard of a black Batman?
      Take this back and get me something I can wear
      to the costume party."

      By this time the wife is irate, so the next
      morning she goes shopping.
      When the husband comes home again from work there laid
      out on the bed are three items.
      One is a set of three white buttons, another is a 
      white belt, and
      the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.
      The husband yells at the wife,

      "What the hell are these for?"

      The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and
      take the three white buttons and put them on the front of
      you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one,
      you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie,
      and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your
      A$$ and go as a fudgesickle."

 

3-12-00

The Corporate Mind

 ------------------
 
 Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very
interesting,
 educational, historical, completely true, and
hysterical all at the
 same time:   
 
 The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two
rails) is 4
 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
was that gauge
 used?  
 
 Because that's the way they built them in England, and
the US
 railroads were built by English expatriates.  
 
 Why did the English build them like that? Because the
first rail lines
 were built by the same people who built the pre-
railroad tramways, and
 that's the gauge they used.  
 
 Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people
who built the
 tramways used the same jigs and tools that  they used
for building
 wagons which used that wheel spacing.  
 
 Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel
spacing?
 Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon
wheels would
 break on some of the old, long distance roads in
England, because
 that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.  
 
 So who built those old rutted roads? The first long
distance roads in
 Europe (and England) were built by Imperial  Rome for
their legions.
 The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in
the roads?  Roman
 war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to
 match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since
the chariots
 were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all
alike in the matter
 of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad
gauge  of 4
 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification for an
 Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and
bureaucracies live
 forever.  So the next time you are handed a
specification and wonder
 what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly
right, because
 the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide
enough to
 accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we
have the answer
 to the original question.   
 
 Now the twist to the story..............  
 
 There's an interesting extension to the story about
railroad gauges
 and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle
sitting on its launch
 pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the
sides of the
 main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or
SRBs. The SRBs are
 made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers
who designed
 the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit
fatter, but the SRBs
 had to be  shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site. The
 railroad line from the factory had to run through a
tunnel in the
 mountains. The SRBs had to fit through  that  tunnel.
The tunnel is
 slightly wider than the railroad track, and the
railroad track is
 about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major
design feature of
 what is arguably the world's most advanced
transportation system was
 determined over two thousand years ago by the width of
a Horse's Ass!
 


==================================================
AWOL                  1-13-00
==================================================

Drill Instructor
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior 
drill instructor realized
that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a 
search party was dispatched
immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered 
hiding in some bushes nearby.
He was sent back to the base and promptly 
escorted to the drill instructor's
office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, 
"Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "On my first day here, 
you issued me a comb and then
proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, 
you issued me a toothbrush
and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded 
to pull out my teeth.
Finally, on the third day, you issued me a 
jock strap ... and I wasn't about
to wait around to find out what would follow 
that, Sir."

==================================================
 





Santa Humor
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. 
Please read the following notice carefully:
From Santa:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, 
I will no longer be able to serve the Southern 
United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the 
overwhelming current population of the earth, 
my contract was renegotiated by North American 
Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only 
certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, 
Wisconsin and Michigan.
(It was a cooperative effort with the UAW, of course) 
As part of the new and better contract I also get 
longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep 
that in mind.
Despite this contract dispute, I'm certain that 
your children will be in good hands with your 
local replacement who happens to be my third 
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is 
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering 
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there 
are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1- There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your 
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on 
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: 
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers 
that children leave an RC cola and a moon pie 
[or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't 
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, 
so please have an empty spit can handy.
3- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, 
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the 
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer 
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks 
Bubba's fireplace.
4- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, 
on Donner and Blitzen ..."when Bubba Claus arrives. 
Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, 
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, 
on Elliott and Petty." (No Gordon because Bubba 
doesn't really care for sissies.)
5- "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" 
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves 
respond, "I hur'd dat!"
6- As required by Southern highway laws, 
Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety 
triangle on the back with the words "Back off." 
The last I heard it also had other decorations 
on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or 
Chevy logo with lights that race through the 
letters and the other is a caricature of me 
(Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7- The usual Christmas movie classics such as 
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" 
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. 
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" 
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds 
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing.
8- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, 
I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the 
other way when he bends over to put presents 
under the tree.
9- And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been 
sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" 
and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." 
This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played 
on all the AM radio stations in the South. 
Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's 
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma 
Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus, NAFEL
(North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
 

Why Yelling At a Man Doesn't Work!

Why Yelling At a Man Doesn't Work!
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

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